Know the WIC Before Saying No to the WIC

I have a good friend who recently had the most awesome wedding that was perfect for her and her groom.

She didn't want to walk down an aisle full of people smiling manically at her. She didn't want to exchange sacred, personal vows in front of everyone she'd ever met. So with just her parents, his parents, their 2 brothers, me & my man in tow, they drove up the coast & got hitched in a ten minute ceremony on the beach. That's it. 8 guests. I don't know if you call that a small destination wedding or an almost-elopement, but it definitely is not the current standard for weddings. A couple months later, they had a reception that was pretty standard- buffet lunch, table full of sweets, favors- with about 80 of their nearest and dearest. Everyone knew from the get-go that this was the way the wedding would go down.

Right away there was a little drama. Several ladies had expressed a desire to throw a bridal shower. One friend was super gung-ho about it, right up until a week before when she realized I was invited to the ceremony and she was not. She then called foul, citing that it is bad etiquette to have a shower and invite people who are not invited to "the wedding". She was always kind of a drama queen, so when this was blown up to the point that she is no longer speaking to the bride, it felt like a blessing.

Here's the thing- that IS actual etiquette. At least for most people in the US, you don't invite some people to the wedding and others to the ceremony. And you definitely don't invite people to a shower who are not invited to everything else. But whatever. We wanted to throw our friend a shower, so who cares?

The shower, wedding and reception all went well, but after the reception my bride friend has expressed some disappointment. Many people no-showed, seeming to not take it very seriously. They didn't have any "first dances" but did want people to dance. Unfortunately, with no dj, no mc and no "the first dance has occurred" cue, the dance floor remained empty all afternoon. She was also surprised that people who went to the shower didn't also bring gifts to the wedding, and many people who DIDN'T go to the shower didn't bring so much as a card. Yeah… weddings aren't gift grabs, but you still sort of assume people will bring them because that's what you do. She asked me some questions about what is "usual" and I did say that it's fairly common in some circles to bring a shower OR a wedding gift. I also gently suggested that sometimes when people are not present for a ceremony they don't really think of the "reception" as a "wedding" but more of a "party" and therefore might be less likely to get a wedding present.

So here's the thing- do your thing. Do exactly what's right for you and your partner. But do know that when you forego a lot of the tradition and "what's expected" that people might not react in the expected, traditional ways.

I Have A Secret To Tell You

A few weeks ago, the man & I went to brunch with a bunch of people. At our table was one newlywed couple and four… FOUR!!… engaged couples! Obviously, there was some wedding chatter going on.

The couple getting married the soonest is having their 400 guest (!!!) reception in a grand ballroom. It's one of those with chandeliers and glided walls. The following conversation happened:

Groom: "It's crazy how much you have to spend on flowers. There is literally no way to get around it. We're having to spend $6000 minimum on JUST flowers."

Me: "Wait. What? Like your package dictates that you have to have that many flowers?"

Groom: "No. It doesn't have a minimum listed. But 400 people- that's 40 tables. Centerpieces are minimum $150 each. So that's $6000 for JUST centerpieces. That's before we even decorate the rest of the room."

They have pretty high expectations in their culture, so it didn't seem worth it to argue but I really wanted to say "Hey… lean in… I have a secret to tell you…. You don't 'have to' buy any flowers at all."

But people have to find their own wedding style and, for some, it seems if you suggest these big lush things are not ACTUALLY a requirement they will have no idea where to go from there. The couple in question can afford that wedding. They will feel confident paying someone to make their already beautiful ballroom look like an english garden. It will make them feel proud to show off a bit. Good for them. So I kept my DIY-cheapo-offbeat mouth shut and squeezed my beloved's hand knowing that, while they are spending the equivilent of our entire budget on just their centerpieces, we will have a lovely, beautiful celebration in a not-at-all grand non-ball room that we, too, will be proud of.

Misunderestimating* My Father

My dad and I have a really good relationship. It's taken some getting used to for my fiance. He still thinks it's weird when I say what my dad thinks about my friend's marital problems or the crazy thing my cousin said. What can I say? I talk to my dad about everything. He's one of my best friends.

So it's no surprise that I was talking to Dad about my future wedding before I was even engaged. Dad knew to expect a call from Fiance to "ask for his blessing" (which we all agree is a little silly since Dad loves my Fiance and tells me all the time how happy he is for us, but I also knew Dad would love to be "let in on the secret" before I knew and it would be a good bonding experience for them). The problem was that during one of these "in the future my wedding will be" talks, my dad started talking about how his friend would play keyboards with my cousins at the wedding. I was like "Um. Why is your friend at my wedding to begin with?" and his response? "Of course he'll be at your wedding! He's my friend!"

Ok look… my dad's a cool guy. He's got a lot of friends. This friend in particular? I'm not sure I'd ever even heard his name before. And Fiance and I financing this shindig on our own. And let me tell you- ain't no room for randoms.

So I was worried. My dad was all excited about our engagement and posted this really sweet status update on Facebook about it. I started to really stress out that he would "verbally invite" people and later be in the uncomfortable position of explaining that since he can't afford to contribute to his daughter's wedding, she won't let him invite people (or whatever people will think). This was made doubly worse by the fact that we are both very close to people at church, but not the same people.

I was in choir with the same 3 families for a decade. We spent 4 hours a day, two days a week together. We celebrated every holiday together. We went on vacation together. Our choir was TIGHT and I still am very close, especially with the mothers since my mom passed away. And you know what? Thanks to my gigantoid family- none of my choirmates are on my "A" list. If magically we find an inexpensive way to increase the guestlist from 200 to 250+, then ok, they're in. But otherwise it's going to break my heart a little, but I can't afford them. So my fear was that Dad would start telling HIS friends (who know my church friends) that they were invited. And like hell I'm having HIS church friends but not mine, you know?

So I called him last night and tried to gently bring up the subject. I said we were looking at venues and it was hard because a lot were 150 capacity and that's not even all MY family… and worked my way to "and on that note… I know people might assume they are invited but…"

He cut me off. "Oh, I know, but they aren't. Don't worry. I am not telling anyone any wedding plans." We clarified that of course his siblings, their kids and their kids are invited (I am actually very close to all those people) and his best friends/my sister's godparents are invited… but so far that's it for him. He totally agreed. It was awesome.

So one less nagging worry! Yay! Now, seriously, if we could just find a freaking venue…..

*Sometimes I miss Good Ol' W. He was great for a laugh. Until, you know, it wasn't funny anymore.

Fuck The Wedding Industry

I was engaged less than a week before I was already fed up.

My wonderful man was searching for online venues. He's into the idea of getting married someplace that has meaning for us. Our back-up plan right now is this not at all fancy "house" with huge back patio on a college campus. My awesome cousin & her awesome husband got married there like 20 years ago. The man likes that it's on a campus and that there is that cousin connection. I like that it's dirt cheap at $100/hour. For me, any other place has to be close to that price. If it's at all more it has to be worth it by being gorgeous or awesome in some spectacular way.

So the man searched. He looked at the venue where our dear friends who are in an awesome marriage got married. He clicked the "meeting rental" tab and looked at priceing. The BIG room said it held 300 people seated at round tables and was $650 for the whole day. What the holy hell? YES! Plus, it's at a marina and we could have the ceremony on the lawn overlooking the water. YES YES!

So he emails me the link and the next day I go back to the website before calling because I don't remember what the room is called. I click the "wedding & special event" tab and see the BIG room says it holds 280 seated at round tables and is $1800.

Wait. What?

I call. $650 is for "corporate events". $1800 is for weddings. The difference in the seating is the dance floor. I ask if corporate events can have liquor? Yes. Can they have music? Yes. Could I have a dance floor at my corporate event if I wanted? Yes. So, really, the price difference is just the fact that it's a wedding? Yes.

Look, I get that maybe weddings are more stressful for the staff. I get that brides and grooms are possibly more likely to become crazed controlling demanding psychopaths than your average event planner. But almost THREE TIMES as much?

The man doesn't see this as a problem. He thinks the price is still good at $1800 for the reception hall and $600 for the outdoor ceremony. He's right. It's technically still in our as-yet-not-quite-nailed-down budget, but for me the injustice of it all is hard to swallow.

We are still looking. I love the idea of the marina. I know that the "house" isn't going to be conducive to a ceremony so we'd have to find another venue off-campus and the price might get closer to the marina. I know that it would be way easier to just have our guests go from the lawn on the marina into the building right there. But… but… $650 vs $1800 is still pissing me off.